It’s been quiet around here….really quiet. And that’s mainly because we’ve been dealing with some pretty major and challenging life changes.
I’ve been very lucky not to have to deal with any major adversity up until the past few years, but lately it's felt like it's all come at once. After losing my own mother in very difficult circumstances during the pandemic, life felt quite fractured. With the help of friends and family, therapy and medication, I was starting to come to terms with it. Then another wave of grief came along to knock me off my feet. At the end of last year, we suddenly and unexpectedly lost my mother in law too.
She was an incredible lady of strength, compassion and grace who taught me so much, in ways I can’t even begin to count. I met the man who is now my husband when I was just 18, and from that first moment she came into my life she always treated me like her daughter. After my parents divorced, and my mother moved hundreds of miles away, she inhabited the role of mother for me in a very real way.
From coming wedding dress shopping with me when I married her son, to being the first person in the delivery room after our kids were both, she was always one of the first people I called in sorrow or joy. I was hugely blessed to have her support and friendship; we were lucky in that we would probably have been friends regardless of any family connection.
When my own mother died, I wasn’t able to be with her. With my mother in law, I had the privilege and the challenge of being right there with her at the end. I was able to thank her for what she meant to me, the love she had shown to me and her grandchildren, for raising an incredible son who is a fantastic husband and father to our own children, and for showing me what it meant to be a mother.
It’s taken me a while to be able to focus on everything positive she gave to me amid the heartbreak of loss. Life rages on in all its beauty and sadness. We’ve had joyful moments since then, and also more challenges in the form of job changes, illness and the general storm of raising a family.
So writing and expressing myself has taken a backseat for a while, and it's only recently I’ve felt able to return to it.
Grief is an inevitable part of life, yet it remains one of the most challenging experiences to navigate, particularly for busy working parents.
Balancing the demands of a career, family responsibilities, and personal well-being while processing profound loss can feel overwhelming.
Here’s what I’ve found that helped me, posted with compassion for anyone out there suffering a loss:
Acknowledge Your Emotions
The first step in dealing with grief is to acknowledge it. Grief manifests in various forms—sadness, anger, guilt, confusion—and each emotion is valid.
As a working mum, you might feel the need to stay strong for your family and maintain professionalism at work. I know that I’ve felt the need to ‘keep going’ at all costs and not dwell on how I’m feeling.
However, suppressing your emotions can hinder the healing process. Allow yourself to feel and express your emotions. Cry if you need to, talk about your feelings with a trusted friend, or write them down in a journal. Acknowledging your emotions is crucial for healing.
I found that the longer I denied how I was really feeling and carried on with business as usual, the worse my coping mechanisms got. Eventually, these were almost worse problems that my original grief. So please, give yourself the grace and compassion you’d give to a friend.
Reach Out For Support
You don’t have to go through this alone. Reach out to family, friends, or support groups. Sometimes, just talking about your loss with someone who understands can provide immense relief. One slightly strange silver lining for me is that I have a good friend who was also going through a personal loss at almost exactly the same time. Supporting each other, or even just messaging to acknowledge how shit things were, was a complete sanity saviour.
If your grief feels overwhelming, consider seeking professional help. Therapists or grief counsellors can offer coping strategies and a safe space to process your emotions.I found that my workplace runs an employee programme that includes access to counselling. The on-demand therapy service BetterHelp has also given me a very accessible and affordable route to additional counselling.
Never be afraid of using medication when needed. My GP has been wonderful and provided access to Setraline and Propranalol, which allowed me the headspace to start dealing with my emotional wounds.
Prioritise Self-Care
As a working mum, your time is stretched thin, but self-care is even more essential during this period. Prioritise activities that replenish your energy and bring you peace. This might include taking a walk, reading a book, practising yoga, or simply taking a few minutes each day to breathe deeply and relax.
Remember, self-care isn’t selfish; it’s necessary for your mental and emotional well-being.
By taking care of yourself, you’ll be better equipped to care for your family and manage your work responsibilities. For me, escaping to the nature reserve with my dog has been a lifeline, as has getting back into my spin classes and a regular exercise programme.
Establish a Routine
Grief can disrupt your sense of normalcy, to the point where it feels impossible to focus on daily tasks. Going back to basics and reworking a healthier routine can provide a comforting structure during this chaotic time. Create a daily schedule that includes time for work, family, and self-care.
While it’s important to stay flexible—grief is unpredictable—having a routine can help you regain a sense of control and stability.
For me, it's been the simple things like making sure I get a healthy breakfast - this Greek yoghurt bowl with blueberries, chia seeds and agave syrup has been a go to for me - and start my day off with either a sunrise walk or an exercise class.
Give Yourself Grace
Healing from grief is not a linear process; it takes time and varies from person to person. Some days will be harder than others, and that’s okay. Be patient and compassionate with yourself. Don’t rush the healing process or set unrealistic expectations. Allow yourself the time and space needed to heal at your own pace.
For my husband and I, both dealing with grief and work stress at the same time has been hard, and it's taken a toll on us and our relationship. At one point it felt like we had time for everything except each other, so we had to make a conscious effort to refocus and plan in some time together.
It's hard for us to get childcare now with little family support, so even just taking time during the working day to have a coffee together, or our Sunday night bath times, have been crucial to reconnecting.
Make It About Family
Grief affects the entire family, and involving your children in the healing process can be beneficial for everyone. Have open and honest conversations with your children about the loss. Encourage them to express their feelings and share memories. Participating in family activities or rituals that honour your loved one can foster a supportive environment where everyone feels heard and understood.
For us, as our children are still quite young, it's been about keeping an open dialogue, letting them know that we’re sad and that it's okay to be that way sometimes, and keeping their beloved Granny very much a part of the conversation, whether that’s sharing favourite memories, cooking recipes together that she taught them or even showing them the camellia bush in the garden she gave us in full bloom and agreeing that it was Granny ‘saying hello’.
Navigating grief as a busy working parent is undoubtedly challenging, but it is possible to find balance and healing. By acknowledging your emotions, seeking support, prioritising self-care, and being patient with yourself, you can gradually move forward while honouring your loved one’s memory.
Remember, you don’t have to go through this alone—lean on your support system and take each day one step at a time.
You got this.
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